Transfer Feelings Explained

Hey friends! I haven't been on here in so long, I almost forgot I even had a blog. So this is how it happened: tonight as I was avoiding homework, I stumbled across this art of writing (aka my blog haha) I had been creating during one of the biggest transitions in my life. I was amazed but also blessed by the things I said because it reminded me of the bittersweet memories at Madison and it also taught me things I needed to be reminded of today.

But hey, I'm sure you want to know more of a life update from me, because, hey-it's been some months.

Any-who, over the course of the past year or so so much has changed in my life. If you would've told me in high school how my undergraduate career would go, I probably wouldn't have embarked on the boat called, "college."

But anyways, in the Fall of 2016 I transferred to a smaller school closer to home. When I say smaller, I mean SIGNIFICANTLY SMALLER than Madison. When I first transferred I felt very lost and alone, and separated from reality since absolutely no one around me seemed to understand what I was going through since transferring was like a "taboo of failures." I don't know why people saw transferring as a bad thing-isn't it empowering to have the courage to make a change when you know it's needed? I think so. So here's what happened: I had finally made my semi-solidified friend groups at Madison, but then, what felt like over night,  I was being thrown into the pit of every persons fears for a second time around to find friends and a new life. I chose to transfer not because I didn't love Madison though, I chose to transfer because Madison didn't fit me and who I wanted to become. Do I know exactly what that means? No, I don't, but I do know that I had a gut feeling God was calling me elsewhere, so I left.

I love my new school though. There's great people, great friends, experiences I have had thus far that I will never forget, and academics that push me pass my comfort zone. I feel like over the past year or so I have changed for the better and I can't thank God enough for what has happened and how things have played out in my life recently.

Although things have been going well at my new school, there's also been some struggles that I have been going through but also learning. When I first enrolled here, I had issues with class year and transfer credits and all the crazy hassles transfer students have to go through that no other  "normal" undergraduate student seems to understand (whatever that means). So the entire first year I spent here, I was constantly being mistaken for the wrong class year, dis-cluded from my class year activities, and I was always ALWAYS the person who never got the email for 2019 nursing majors. Oh yeah! I don't think I mentioned that before either, but I also decided that Nursing is my passion and thus my major for college as well. I'll do another blog post about Nursing though because that area of my life is so meaningful to me.

Another struggle I went through when transferring was dealing with getting into the courses that I needed. I could never get into courses for my class year. So often times, I was just placed in these awkward freshman classes where I had that weird 2 minute intro about myself on the first day of class where I explain my whole situation of transferring and losing credits and blah blah blah where everyone "pretends to listen" but actually has no f--ing clue what your talking about. But suddenly when I say I transferred from University of Wisconsin-Madison everyone seems confused as to why I'd leave one of the most legendary schools in America. Yep, that was my life in a nut shell when I first came here. But, as time went on I didn't get asked as much and I stopped letting the "transfer student" title hold me back from my success and future here.

Although I am in the class of 2019, I also had unfortunate events happen over the summer of 2017 in my family. Furthermore, it put me behind in credits so I will be graduating in 2020 after all since nursing courses move in blocks that can't be rearranged or moved around. Even though this was kind of hard on me emotionally at first, I think it is for the best and I think God has a reason for everything he does in my life. But anyways, I think I've rambled enough. I'd like to do more blog posts about my feelings since that has been something I have been battling with and getting it into words to help others is very powerful in such positive ways.  I hope you all have a good rest of your week <3 Write to you soon!

The Cliff

        Hey everyone! I haven't been on my blog lately, and that's mostly due to life directing my attention towards pursuing a Nursing degree! But anyways, I really want to share an experience I had earlier this week at a school Lutheran service. The pastor shared something I think is so evident in my life, and it may be for you too. He spoke about how he had a scary experience with rock climbing, and the rock he had been latched to started to fail him. Then, he went on to say that sometimes, the things in our life that seem to be a rock, and have us grounded, end up being the things that fall apart on us. Are you holding onto temporary things in your life that you know won't support you for long?

Of course the pastor probably explained it about twenty times better than I just did-- However, my point is that, even in my own life I have been looking for fulfillment in temporary things. Recently, I've really had to take a step back and look at my life and reevaluate what I set as my priorities. Not going to lie, for the longest time all  I wanted was a boyfriend. I would do anything to just have a boyfriend. But I'm realizing that...this is just a temporary fix to the emptiness inside of me. Having a man in my life won't fix me, and he SHOULDN'T fix me- because thats my job. Dating isn't all it's cracked up to be either, just in case you're wondering (lol, but seriously though). So, I'm taking a step back from the dating life and focusing on ME. Because when you force things to work in your life at a specific time, things fall apart. You and I both have to focus on God (if you're a believer, but if not, then maybe destiny), and trust that the right timing will come for your wants and desires. It may not be now, or tomorrow, or next week, but when you follow your heart, many doors tend to open and you're rock may support you.

With love,
Amelia

Jump.

Hey everyone! I know it's been awhile since I have been on my blog, and I apologize for that. The past few months have been so crazy and have changed so drastically words can't even express. Just a little background of what's going on in my life: I decided to transfer colleges, and I honestly couldn't be any happier with my decision. Due to privacy, I won't share which college, but I do know that I am in a much healthier and more positive situation now. Going through the transition process as a sophomore hasn't been easy, but I have no regrets. I believe this is where God wants me to be, and may his will be done.

Now, today, I just felt led to talk about jumping. I mean, who doesn't like to jump? Who am I kidding, jumping is tiring after about the tenth time my feet clang to the floor and my heart rate is racing. So I mean, physically, jumping probably isn't my most favorite thing to do, but it definitely was as a child playing jump rope with my friends.  But that's besides the point. Today I want to talk about "jumping" in a figurative sense. Sometimes in life we see something, we know we want it, but we're too afraid to go and grab it. For me, it was transferring colleges. I was afraid. The interesting thing is that transfers seem to have an even harder time fitting in and not only that but also getting through the mall-check security of administration leaders. However, all of that set aside, again, I knew it was time for me to jump. I knew it was time for me to leave my last school. I saw the opportunity and doors open, and God began to move pieces of my life around so that I too, would be able to take a leap of faith in Him as well. Sometimes, jumping is hard. Taking an extra leap of faith into something you have no idea what the outcome will be can be one of the most challenging and scariest things to go through in life. I mean, who would want to go to a completely new campus after already obtaining a solid friend group in a completely different state? Well guess what, I would, and I did. I guess what I'm trying to say today is that I encourage my readers and myself to find something in your life that you can jump for. Find that one thing you seem to think is impossible, or something you have been wanting for a long time, and take a leap of faith and go for it. You'll never know unless you try, and you'll never know if you never give it a whirl. It's up to you, but with jumping also comes growth. The more you jump, the more you find yourself, the more you learn, and the happier you can become. Jumping isn't just physical, its also mental. So, are you going to jump or not?

Frozen Windows.

      Hey there! It’s been forever since I have written on my blog, but I am glad to be back! I’m not sure how many of you read my blog, but if you’re reading this, I’m glad you are here. I’m glad you’re reading what I have to say about life and I hope you find it somewhat interesting. Here’s my little piece of writing for today. Interpret it however you want to. Remember, what I say is what I feel like writing about, not necessarily things going on in my life. Enjoy. 

Frozen Windows

Its frustrating seeing him leave. I have decided to let go, but now I am numb to the others. It’s hard to find someone when all your love is disappeared. Shattered. Taken away. Gone like the rain running down the window pane. You feel absolutely nothing. You hear someone shouting outside, but their words are so muffled you sit there in silence watching the raindrops quickly slide to the bottom of the window pane. You sit there completely lost. You know what you want to do, you want to let the person inside...but you don’t know how to yet. You sit there patiently waiting. Waiting until you no longer feel the frozenness of your heart, and the stillness of your emotions. Will I ever feel again?

Building Emotions.

       My grandfather always told me, “you see, many people let their emotions lead them, but you must be smart and think with your head as well.” He’s right. Emotions shouldn't be something that completely guides our lives, but rather a buffer or as I would like to call it—“a cherry on top” of it all. Well, today is special because it is the first time I want to share one of my own writings. First, I would like to give you all background. When I began writing for my blog, I was always careful about what I would post on here, as anyone would be. However, I strongly think that sharing your deepest, most touching pieces can impact so many. This is why I choose today to finally share one of my pieces and step outside of my comfort zone. Not everything I write about is necessarily going on in my life, but rather what I chose to connect and write on. I hope that you enjoy it, and realize that it is just a writing, not my life representation. Love you guys, enjoy.

Trapped

    by Amelia M. 

Sometimes I feel trapped. Maybe not in a physical sense, but in an emotional tense. I feel as if I’m constantly being toyed with my emotions- a doll dead to respect, but awake to the empty emotionless flings with which so many say cures the pain. It’s not a great feeling at all—nothing seems to fix the broken pieces inside of myself. Its as if I constantly stare back at myself through the broken mirror while stepping on the broken glass below my feet— only pieces are left. Instead of thinking about the future, I keep thinking about the past, what could have been done, what I did that was wrong, and that it is because of it that I am here where I am now. Constantly sitting here thinking to myself what if. What if I just took the risk and told everyone how I truly felt rather than sitting here in the bushes waiting for a simple answer. Fear. Thats why the silence remains. Fear captures me and traps me inside of a box keeping me from saying anything. Trapped in a box, sealed with the tape of fear, shipped with the address of my emotions. Sometimes I try to escape the repetitive feeling of being trapped, but then I’m reminded of my past, or a past friendship that comes to crush me right back to where I was. But where am I now? Who am I now? Am I trapped? I don't even think I really know anymore because I've seemed to lost my seal of emotion. 

The Writings of a Truly Close Friend.

Hey there friends, I’m back. College has been pretty crazy this semester, and life has taught me a lot. In fact, I've learned so much within the past few months I couldn't even begin to explain to you all that I have learned in my classes. Each day I go to class, I feel as if I get one step closer to finally reaching my dream. Not going to lie, it is truly difficult to wake up for Math class every single morning, but I try to keep my vision in mind. But anyways, my point is that life has been alright and I have missed you all—my readers. I am thankful to have you all support me, or whomever is reading this, whether you’re just a guest, friend, mentor, or even just an acquaintance from long ago. 

Today I don’t want to write about anything specific. I know I typically have topic posts, but I thought it would be a great idea to twist things a little. I thought it would be great to share something one of my friends shared with me the other day. It is something so powerful and something I could most certainly relate to. No matter where you are in life, I think this is a great read, but especially for those of you having a hard time letting go of someone or something in your life. It is more of an emotional statement about a past lover of hers, but she was more than happy to let me share it with you all. I hope you like or find meaning in her writing: 

“Why does my heart still skip a beat every time I hear your name? It’s as if we are still somehow secretly intertwined. I keep having this hope that someday soon you will finally come back to me and apologize for what you have done and we can continue our lives. You made me happier than anyone ever had. Each time I try meeting another one, I compare them to you and I still haven't met anyone better to me than you. I don't know what to do anymore. I’m miserably alone and I cant control my feelings anymore. It's like a constant ring. I keep waiting for the moment when I finally log into my Facebook to see her. To see her sitting there next to you smiling into your eyes. To see you happy with her; and her with you. I wish I could be her for you. I wish there was some part of me that could make you happy….because if there was such thing as laying down my life for you, I truly would. I don’t know why I care so much about a guy that took my heart, crushed it, then spat it back in my face, but I really do. I wish he knew how much I felt. But I fear she's already there, and me saying something would only distract him from his true happiness. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Like I failed him in some ways. However, the truth is that he also failed me. No, its that we failed each other. But, for some damn odd reason, I cant stop hoping and it drives me nuts. I cant stop hoping for us to come back, for my heart to feel his again, for me to touch the virgin skin I touched once long ago. I just cant let go. Not yet. It's been several months and I still feel the heartbreak. I hope for us, but more than that, I just hope him to be happy with whomever he choses.” -Unknown 

Princess Beauty.

“You’re a beautiful princess, you know.”

        These words. I remember hearing these words as a little girl not thinking anything of them. My father would tell me this so often to me while growing up. Eventually as I grew older, I thought of it as an “okay dad, whatever.”  Actually, according to dictionary.com, the definition of beautiful (adj.) is “having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind…” However, the true meaning and what my father hoped for me to see didn't start to make way to me until about a year ago.

          I found that beauty isn't just something visible to others. It’s both inner, and outer. I’m sure so many of us have heard this saying about beauty several times, but do we truly understand it? I was 17 years old when it hit me. I had been thinking of it all wrong. To me, I knew beauty was made up of these two factors, but I only knew beauty for its daily annoying saying my father always gave me. Or even how some girls seemed to be more pretty than others. I was 17 years old though. There came a guy in my life and he looked me directly in the eyes and said, “You’re beautiful, you know.” I remember letting those words sink in, and it slowly hit me. It hit me that the word beautiful has so many definitions and is so powerful that its almost incomprehendable. It’s soft, gentle, and marvelous and yet so many don't know the beauty they posses. I began to realize that I didn't have to try and be someone I wasn't with others because I was beautiful in my own way. However, I was 17 years old when it hit me. It hit me that maybe I was beautiful in my very own weird way. Maybe I did have meaning in this world. Why did it take for someone else in my life to have me understand this? Couldn’t I have understood it by the very words of my own father? I seem to ask myself the same thing. It’s different to have another being tell you other than you're immediate family. With family it may seem as if its their job to tell you, but with another friend, lover, or acquaintance, it hits home. I was 17 years old. At 17 years old, I knew I had beauty in me that radiated and could change the world I lived in. All it took was for me to realize and use it to further accomplish my goals and radiate my inner beauty of my heart to those around me. So friends, never forget your beauty, because it took me 17 years to finally realize mine.