Frozen Windows.

      Hey there! It’s been forever since I have written on my blog, but I am glad to be back! I’m not sure how many of you read my blog, but if you’re reading this, I’m glad you are here. I’m glad you’re reading what I have to say about life and I hope you find it somewhat interesting. Here’s my little piece of writing for today. Interpret it however you want to. Remember, what I say is what I feel like writing about, not necessarily things going on in my life. Enjoy. 

Frozen Windows

Its frustrating seeing him leave. I have decided to let go, but now I am numb to the others. It’s hard to find someone when all your love is disappeared. Shattered. Taken away. Gone like the rain running down the window pane. You feel absolutely nothing. You hear someone shouting outside, but their words are so muffled you sit there in silence watching the raindrops quickly slide to the bottom of the window pane. You sit there completely lost. You know what you want to do, you want to let the person inside...but you don’t know how to yet. You sit there patiently waiting. Waiting until you no longer feel the frozenness of your heart, and the stillness of your emotions. Will I ever feel again?

Building Emotions.

       My grandfather always told me, “you see, many people let their emotions lead them, but you must be smart and think with your head as well.” He’s right. Emotions shouldn't be something that completely guides our lives, but rather a buffer or as I would like to call it—“a cherry on top” of it all. Well, today is special because it is the first time I want to share one of my own writings. First, I would like to give you all background. When I began writing for my blog, I was always careful about what I would post on here, as anyone would be. However, I strongly think that sharing your deepest, most touching pieces can impact so many. This is why I choose today to finally share one of my pieces and step outside of my comfort zone. Not everything I write about is necessarily going on in my life, but rather what I chose to connect and write on. I hope that you enjoy it, and realize that it is just a writing, not my life representation. Love you guys, enjoy.

Trapped

    by Amelia M. 

Sometimes I feel trapped. Maybe not in a physical sense, but in an emotional tense. I feel as if I’m constantly being toyed with my emotions- a doll dead to respect, but awake to the empty emotionless flings with which so many say cures the pain. It’s not a great feeling at all—nothing seems to fix the broken pieces inside of myself. Its as if I constantly stare back at myself through the broken mirror while stepping on the broken glass below my feet— only pieces are left. Instead of thinking about the future, I keep thinking about the past, what could have been done, what I did that was wrong, and that it is because of it that I am here where I am now. Constantly sitting here thinking to myself what if. What if I just took the risk and told everyone how I truly felt rather than sitting here in the bushes waiting for a simple answer. Fear. Thats why the silence remains. Fear captures me and traps me inside of a box keeping me from saying anything. Trapped in a box, sealed with the tape of fear, shipped with the address of my emotions. Sometimes I try to escape the repetitive feeling of being trapped, but then I’m reminded of my past, or a past friendship that comes to crush me right back to where I was. But where am I now? Who am I now? Am I trapped? I don't even think I really know anymore because I've seemed to lost my seal of emotion. 

The Writings of a Truly Close Friend.

Hey there friends, I’m back. College has been pretty crazy this semester, and life has taught me a lot. In fact, I've learned so much within the past few months I couldn't even begin to explain to you all that I have learned in my classes. Each day I go to class, I feel as if I get one step closer to finally reaching my dream. Not going to lie, it is truly difficult to wake up for Math class every single morning, but I try to keep my vision in mind. But anyways, my point is that life has been alright and I have missed you all—my readers. I am thankful to have you all support me, or whomever is reading this, whether you’re just a guest, friend, mentor, or even just an acquaintance from long ago. 

Today I don’t want to write about anything specific. I know I typically have topic posts, but I thought it would be a great idea to twist things a little. I thought it would be great to share something one of my friends shared with me the other day. It is something so powerful and something I could most certainly relate to. No matter where you are in life, I think this is a great read, but especially for those of you having a hard time letting go of someone or something in your life. It is more of an emotional statement about a past lover of hers, but she was more than happy to let me share it with you all. I hope you like or find meaning in her writing: 

“Why does my heart still skip a beat every time I hear your name? It’s as if we are still somehow secretly intertwined. I keep having this hope that someday soon you will finally come back to me and apologize for what you have done and we can continue our lives. You made me happier than anyone ever had. Each time I try meeting another one, I compare them to you and I still haven't met anyone better to me than you. I don't know what to do anymore. I’m miserably alone and I cant control my feelings anymore. It's like a constant ring. I keep waiting for the moment when I finally log into my Facebook to see her. To see her sitting there next to you smiling into your eyes. To see you happy with her; and her with you. I wish I could be her for you. I wish there was some part of me that could make you happy….because if there was such thing as laying down my life for you, I truly would. I don’t know why I care so much about a guy that took my heart, crushed it, then spat it back in my face, but I really do. I wish he knew how much I felt. But I fear she's already there, and me saying something would only distract him from his true happiness. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Like I failed him in some ways. However, the truth is that he also failed me. No, its that we failed each other. But, for some damn odd reason, I cant stop hoping and it drives me nuts. I cant stop hoping for us to come back, for my heart to feel his again, for me to touch the virgin skin I touched once long ago. I just cant let go. Not yet. It's been several months and I still feel the heartbreak. I hope for us, but more than that, I just hope him to be happy with whomever he choses.” -Unknown 

Princess Beauty.

“You’re a beautiful princess, you know.”

        These words. I remember hearing these words as a little girl not thinking anything of them. My father would tell me this so often to me while growing up. Eventually as I grew older, I thought of it as an “okay dad, whatever.”  Actually, according to dictionary.com, the definition of beautiful (adj.) is “having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind…” However, the true meaning and what my father hoped for me to see didn't start to make way to me until about a year ago.

          I found that beauty isn't just something visible to others. It’s both inner, and outer. I’m sure so many of us have heard this saying about beauty several times, but do we truly understand it? I was 17 years old when it hit me. I had been thinking of it all wrong. To me, I knew beauty was made up of these two factors, but I only knew beauty for its daily annoying saying my father always gave me. Or even how some girls seemed to be more pretty than others. I was 17 years old though. There came a guy in my life and he looked me directly in the eyes and said, “You’re beautiful, you know.” I remember letting those words sink in, and it slowly hit me. It hit me that the word beautiful has so many definitions and is so powerful that its almost incomprehendable. It’s soft, gentle, and marvelous and yet so many don't know the beauty they posses. I began to realize that I didn't have to try and be someone I wasn't with others because I was beautiful in my own way. However, I was 17 years old when it hit me. It hit me that maybe I was beautiful in my very own weird way. Maybe I did have meaning in this world. Why did it take for someone else in my life to have me understand this? Couldn’t I have understood it by the very words of my own father? I seem to ask myself the same thing. It’s different to have another being tell you other than you're immediate family. With family it may seem as if its their job to tell you, but with another friend, lover, or acquaintance, it hits home. I was 17 years old. At 17 years old, I knew I had beauty in me that radiated and could change the world I lived in. All it took was for me to realize and use it to further accomplish my goals and radiate my inner beauty of my heart to those around me. So friends, never forget your beauty, because it took me 17 years to finally realize mine.

The Beauty in Perspective.

       Taking in the beauty of things. Have you ever noticed the small things you seem to pass up everyday? Nowadays we're all so consumed with our daily routines, fast-paced life, and social media that we forget the small things we leave behind without a second glance. How about that small picture frame that rests beside your bed? Why is it there? Normally one would say it's because it reminds you of something or someone that makes you happy. Or how about the beauty of the nature outside? Do you ever sit outside and listen to the rustling leaves in the fall, crunch of snow in the winter, or the sounds of a lawn mower in the Spring? If your anything like me, the answer would be no.
        But what if we did? What if we took the time to take in the beauty of the small things? See, thats the thing I fear most about life on this Earth. I fear I will miss out on the small beautiful things and focus too much on materialistic things. I keep thinking how I'll miss the precious moments of my children because I'm too busy trying to capture the moment. Maybe its better to just BE in the moment, than to capture it. I'm not ranting to you, instead I'm trying to point out something so many of us do in life. We overlook the beautiful things and take life on this Earth for granted.
       In High School, we had a pastor come and share a sermon on a perspective. As we were all listening intently to this energetic pastor, he held up a blue marker and said, "this is your life." Now, like any other person in the room, we were confused-- how could a marker possibly signify our life? But I listened intently. He then went on to explain how God sees our life in all time zones: past, present, and future. However, we only see our life head on, but we don't see the entire thing in one view. Rather, we only see the past and present. He told us that God knows our path and that we just need to trust Him in all that we do and He will guide us down the right path in life. I think one of the lessons I got out of that sermon was that if we focus too much on the past or future, we miss the present. So how about being too focused on materialistic things? Will we miss the present time of our lives?
        Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly the most religious person ever. I don't condemn people for who they are, and I'm not saying you should all believe what I do. However, I felt this analogy could be used as a tool for your very own life.  I think life is not only about our perspectives but also what we make of it. Viewing life in a "beauty" perspective and focusing on the small things is something I am hoping so many of us in this world try. You see, I don't want to miss the special moments in my life. I want to focus on my present and not let the future or past distract me. Having goals and dreams for the future is okay of course, but focusing too much on things out of your control will only distract you from your current situations. I don't know about you, but I want to be there for my future generations to share those small joyous moments. Even though God Himself may be the only one to truly know exactly my destiny in life, I do know one thing for sure: I'm taking in the beauties of this world before its too late.

Fear of the Possible.

Sometimes I stay up late at night wondering to myself, "What If." What if I were to pursue everything  I ever dreamed of? What if I failed? What if I end up working a job that will never allow me to pay off my student loans? What if I never find another romantic partner? If you're anything like me, these questions bounce around in my brain on a daily basis. However, today I write to all of you out there with a dream and a book full of "what if's." To those of you who are in this situation (I speak to myself also), I encourage you all to go follow your dreams. No matter how big they are, you should reach for the stars, and remember that the sky is your only limit. This may seem cliche, but its true. Stop being afraid of the future, and failure. If there's one thing I learned while being at college so far, its that there's always another way. If you fail, take a step back and evaluate the situation and try again. There's no right or wrong answer to your life. It's YOURS, and you're in control. To my "what if" fellow friends, I encourage each one of us to take control of our own fears and turn it into energy to go after what we really want in life. For those who have their life together, I encourage you to share with others your accomplishments. Stop letting other peoples opinions block your own happiness and dreams. Go after it. I mean, you've only got about 60-80 years anyways. Make those years count, and NEVER stop dreaming.

The Brick Wall of Religion.

Hey there. Lately, I have been finally feeling a sense of belonging here on my campus. There is nothing I love more than spending nights laughing, eating pizza, and watching movies with my new friends here. However, there has been a lot going through my mind lately. Not only have I been pressured to do certain things, I have also been tested with my faith. The disappointing thing is that I don't know enough apologetics to have a firm stand, and that makes me question my own self sometimes. To be able to say that I believe in Jesus Christ, but am not able to explain much into it with evidence or answer deeper questions is beyond disappointing. I have taken classes in Apologetics and Hermeneutics while in High School, but I never took them seriously and failed to recognize their value. Now that I am college, I wish I could answer some of my friends' questions or share with people what I've found about Christ or how He has shaped my life today.
     Being on a large, public college campus, there are so many religions, cultures, identities, etc., that the list never ends. However, concerning religion and belief systems, the face of Christianity doesn't have a good look. For those of you unaware, there are constant street preachers claiming to be Christian. They stand on the corners of our campus, yelling and condemning others for not accepting Christ. Then while in class today, one of my professors decided to provide some comments about the situation as if it were a joke. It is unfortunate that Christians are seen this way by the world; as if we are nothing but condemning hypocrites. It's also sad to see how much of an impact street hypocrites are making in the lives of those who have never heard the Gospel. I am tired of not being able to have answers (for those around me) to things I have already been taught. It is hard to sit in silence when someone decides to ridicule my faith. In those situations, I always hear, "choose your battles wisely" ringing in the back of my head.  As I look around myself, I have begun to realize that more than half of the people I study or associate with outside of class aren't Christian. A large majority here are either agnostic or atheist. And lately, I have taken the backseat to see the positions and different aspects of the world they are coming from. I hope that if my words can't lead people to Christ, it will be my daily actions that do. Goodnight.